As I guess most of you understand by now, this relationship I had with A, this "trying-to-be-friends-but-we're-still-something-more"-relationship, didn't work. 'Cause it hurt me so bad, and I couldn't stop thinking about C, her girlfirend. What if she knew that we still met? I knew that A didn't tell her that we did, 'cause she didn't want to fight (apparently a lot of their fights were about me), but then one day, I got a call from A, at class. And she hadn't called me since before she got together with C, it was one of those habits that just ran away in the sand (one of the things that brought us closer disappeared, it is, actually, kind of lofical, so I walked out of class and answered directly. And when I did that I heard that she was crying, and she mumbled something about C, and then, after a long time I understood: C had ended it. She had broke them up. Somehow the thought of that didn't make me as happy as I thought that it would. I'd dreamt about this day ever since they got together 6 weeks ago, but when it finally happened, I was paralyzed, I didn't know what to do, or what to think. A wanted to meet me, tonight, and I agreed to it, she was so sad and if she wanted to meet me then fine, I could do that. Then, after we hung up, I realised why I wasn't as happy as I was supposed to be, and no, it wasn't 'cause A was so sad, it was 'cause C dumped her, and not the other way around.

I wanted it to have been A who dumped C, for me, because she loved me.

Valentines day

And so it continued, A and I didn't stop meeting. I loved her too much to leave. I didn't care if I was just her friend (or more like her psychologist)as long as I got to meet her. As long as she was happy and wanted me there I would be there. I didn't care that it hurt me, I just wanted her to be happy, I just wanted her to stop being sad all the time. 'Cause she was sad, and still is, she cut herself and cried herself to sleep. She'd tried to commit suicide so many times that she didn't count anymore. I was the same, and therefore we were a big support to each other, we knew how it felt. I hadn't cut myself, but I almost starved myself to death. We knew each others secrets and we accepted it, even though we didn't like it.

Then it was the night to valentines Day, I was at a party but I'd promised to come over to A's place afterwards. My mom and dad didn't know, they didn't actually like that I still hung out with her, so I didn't tell them anything about her. I was a bit drunk when I arrived to her house, I called her cellphone and she went out. Together we sat in the middle of the street, our legs crossed each other and my hand was on her thigh. She caressed my cheek with the back of her hand and I shivered slightly. It was the night to valentines day, I was drunk, and she had a girlfriend, but we both knew what we wanted. We wanted each other. But we couldn't. No. It was wrong. So we didn't kiss, we just caressed each other and thought forbidden thoughts, under the starfilled sky.

Two days after that horrible night, A texted me and begged me to see her. And so I did. She came home to me, and we watched The L word. We sat in my bed, with a distance that was about one meter, but felt like 20 miles. I didn't focus at the episode, all I could think of was A, and that she was here, near me, and I wasn't aloud to touch her. It took a lot of will-power to not burst out in tears then and there. We joked around, and she mentioned her name, C. She spoke about their relationship, and their problems. I smiled, but still seemed conserned, I tried to help without being judgmental. Did she even think, of the pain that caused me? I gave up my own happiness so that she could be happy.

After she'd went home, I received a text from her: "It wasn't that scary to meet me, right?" I answered, truthfully (it hadn't been scary, just painfull): "haha, no, not at all." She answered quickly: "It was just a bit hard, I just wanted to hug you all the time :P " I laughed. "Same here." "Why didn't you then?" I bit my lip. "'Cause then everything would become so much harder. Why didn't you?" "Same." I didn't answer that, and then, just before I was going to bed: "It's so fucked up that I still like you, even though I'm with C. Haha. I'm not fair." I answered: "No you're not :P " "I know, I got a girlfriend who I happen to love and still I'm hanging around with you? This is so not good for me. W/e, good nigh <3"

I couldn't sleep at all that night. So she still liked me. How did she dare tell me that?

A week went by, and we didn't see each other. Sure, we texted and maybe even talked on the phone sometimes and every time I heard her voice my heart leaped like a gazelle, but we didn't see each other. Face to face. It was different, a change in my entire life routine. It was strange. I mean, she'd just been in my life for maybe 2/3 months, and already we'd made a pattern. To not go on walks, late at night, every night, with her, was weird. But I knew that if I was going to get over her, then I couldn't see her, I just couldn't. Still, I wouldn't get over her if we had contact, but I couldn't let her go. A's girlfriend, C, she lived in another city, far away from here, and I lived ten minutes from A, and therefore I thought that maybe I had chance. Still.

Then it was friday and I decided that I needed to go out.Fill the empty hole in my heart with alcohol. A found out about it, and she said: "Is it really a good idea to drown your sorrows with alcohol? Does that really help?" I remember hating her in that moment. She was the one who did this to me, so she was the one to blame. And why did she care? So I went out, without listening to her. At first, my friends were happy that I wanted to go out and do something, but then they understood why I'd agreed to go out. They saw the liqour, they saw me, and they saw how I let people (mostly guys) come closer. I let them use me, sure no sex, but still use me. I flirted and I drank. And then I flirted some more. And drank some more. And then my friends decided that it was time for me to go home. My best friend and I shared a cab, and during the ride home I cried in her arms, screaming in agony: "WHY DOESN'T SHE WANT ME?" And she just patted my back and held me tight, not saying anything at all, 'cause truth be told, she knew why. A didn't want me 'cause she didn't love me, even though she had said so.

Readers secret no1

I've forgotten the password for my email account so instead of emailing me at: lovesicksecrets@hotmail.com you can email me at: ana-talk@hotmail.com. This secret however, came in before I forgot my password.



He wasn't my first love, but I loved him still. Maybe not as much as I had loved others, but I loved him. And I still do. However I cannot be with him, 'cause I know that he deserves so much better than me.

The first time we met was at a bar, I was sad, drunk and lonely and he asked me if I wanted a cigarette. I barely nodded but he lit it and gave it to me, I breathed in the smoke deeply. Felt how my lungs embraced it, woho, lungcancer, I was going to die of something, so why not this? He asked me what was wrong and I gave him a look that sad "Don't ask." and he turned away, blushing and apologizing for being to front forward. I sighed and started to tell him what was on my mind. About the boy that broke my heart, about the eating disorders, about the suicide attempts. And during the time I spoke, I started to cry and he just took my hand and pressed it gently, and I was surprised that I didn't mind it. The night finished with him carrying me home, putting me to bed, but he didn't take advantage of me. The next morning I woke up and saw him in the armachair next to my bed, asleep. He'd stayed there all night, watching over me.

It was the first time a boy actually cared for me, and I gave in completely. I ignored that I didn't feel any chemistry with him, I let him believe I was inlove with him, not only saw him as a friend. And then one day, two years later, he asked me to marry him. I broke down in tears. I told him the truth. That I only loved him as a friend, and that he should be with someone who loved him as a lover. He told me it was all right, that he didn't want anyone else and that I could see him as a friend if I wanted too. After those words, I let him hug me, kiss me, make love to me, but the next morning I knew that it was wrong. He deserves so much better than me, he deserves someone that's not as fucked up as I am. He deserves real, true love. Not this. Not me.

- J.

Fucked up

When A. left me, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what I COULD do. All i knew was that the only part of me that seemed to be working correctly was my eyes, since they cried all the time, at least when I was alone. When I was with people I kept it together, but I didn't laugh, I didn't smile, I just stared out in thin air and let my thoughts wonder. What if I'd done some things different? Would she had chosen me then? My friends knew, they'd asked questions, like: Why are you so quiet? Why do you look so sad? I usually was the one who made everyone laugh, and now I didn't say a word. They all hugged me and said that they cared, and I told them everything that was bothering me, and they listened. For a while. Then, after abut a week, they got tired. Tired of me speaking about A. and of me acting like a zombie. All I did was; wake up, about 10 minutes before I had to go to school, skip breakfast, go to class, skip lunch (sit in the bathroom, cyring during lunch-time), go to class, then I would go home, maybe do some homework but mostly I skipped that too and then I layed down in my bed and stared at the ceiling. I didn't dare to look at the wall, since it was green and A's favourite color was green. I didn't dare to watch The L word (my favourite tv-series which I'd bought all the 6 seasons when I was in Thailand) since the last time I'd watched it was with A. And then she'd held me, kissed me on the forehead and held my hand, and I think that was one of the best nights in my entire life. After staring at the ceiling for abut 3 hours, I would eat dinner with my family, not talking, just eating, slowly and little, and then I'd go to bed, and dream about A, over and over again. I felt like I was drowning, in myself and my thoughts, how could one person do this to me?

I'd never been more heartbroken. A. was the first girl I'd ever loved, but also, she was my first true love.

Continuation.

After A got together with her ex, C, she wanted to see me. The exakt same evening that she told me that she'd chosen another girl, she wanted to see me, I could not believe how cold she was. Didn't she understand in how bad shape I was in that moment? Didn't she understand that I didn't want her to see how weak I was? I didn't want to cry in front of her, I wanted to be able to be strong, fearless, when she saw me the next time. But then she threatened to come to my house and stand outside my window and scream my name until she woke up my neighbours, so I gave in. I said that I could see her, but not at my place, I didn't want any more memories of her there. However, I didn't want to go to her place either, I'd never been there and I didn't want to have a memory from there if I could avoid it. So we met in the middle, between our houses, at the middle of a street. When she saw me, she hurried up to me and tried to hug me, but I backed. I didn't want to feel the sweet smell of her, I didn't want to feel her arms around me, 'cause then I would definatley start crying again and I'd just stopped. A looked so sad, and it hurt to see her that way, but I stopped myself from hugging her and telling her that it was okay, 'cause it was NOT okay, I was the one who were supposed to be hurt her, NOT HER. She said that she was sorry, and I answered:
"Me too. And it's okay, I get it, I mean, if you love C you should be with her, not me." As I felt the tears run down my cheeks, she tried to dry them off but I backed again. "But why did you have to play with me?"

"I didn't play with you, I really care for you, it's just that, C's changed and I'm giving her a chance." A answered and I nodded.

"So you care for me, but love C? So you lied yesterday when you said that you love me?"

"I do love you!"

"Well.. Then I just got to ask you one thing, but I don't know how. 'Cause I know that you won't answer but if you do I know that I probably won't like it."

"Go ahead."

"Why did you chose her?"
She didn't answer me, and I nodded again. "See? I said you wouldn't answer me." I looked away as I saw how A's tears started falling. WHY WAS SHE CRYING? I was the one whose heart had gotten broken into two pieces. "I got to go, just don't contact me A, not if it's not really really important. I will take contact with you, when I'm ready to just be your friend, okay?"

She nodded and then we hugged and I breathed in her smell one last time. The second I turned my back to her and started to walk away, I broke down in tears.

When I got home, I got a text, from A: The second you turned away I started crying. I will miss you so incredibly much. I didn't play with you, even though you might think so. Sorry for contacting. That did it, my heart broke in to a million pieces, not just two, I hated her for contacting me, and I hated myself for answering: Me too. I'll miss you. It's okay.


(Hehe, just realised it sounds like I'm writing a soap opera or something, but w/e, it's the truth.)