Fucked up

When A. left me, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what I COULD do. All i knew was that the only part of me that seemed to be working correctly was my eyes, since they cried all the time, at least when I was alone. When I was with people I kept it together, but I didn't laugh, I didn't smile, I just stared out in thin air and let my thoughts wonder. What if I'd done some things different? Would she had chosen me then? My friends knew, they'd asked questions, like: Why are you so quiet? Why do you look so sad? I usually was the one who made everyone laugh, and now I didn't say a word. They all hugged me and said that they cared, and I told them everything that was bothering me, and they listened. For a while. Then, after abut a week, they got tired. Tired of me speaking about A. and of me acting like a zombie. All I did was; wake up, about 10 minutes before I had to go to school, skip breakfast, go to class, skip lunch (sit in the bathroom, cyring during lunch-time), go to class, then I would go home, maybe do some homework but mostly I skipped that too and then I layed down in my bed and stared at the ceiling. I didn't dare to look at the wall, since it was green and A's favourite color was green. I didn't dare to watch The L word (my favourite tv-series which I'd bought all the 6 seasons when I was in Thailand) since the last time I'd watched it was with A. And then she'd held me, kissed me on the forehead and held my hand, and I think that was one of the best nights in my entire life. After staring at the ceiling for abut 3 hours, I would eat dinner with my family, not talking, just eating, slowly and little, and then I'd go to bed, and dream about A, over and over again. I felt like I was drowning, in myself and my thoughts, how could one person do this to me?

I'd never been more heartbroken. A. was the first girl I'd ever loved, but also, she was my first true love.